Excuse me, I believe you parked your Lexus on my torso

Hi, sir? Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you; I know you must have somewhere important to be. You look extremely busy so I don’t want to take up much of your time. I’m sorry, sir, but I believe you parked your Lexus on my torso.

I really am so sorry, I think it was my fault. I got tripped up by a rude cyclist passing me and I only had a moment to realize what happened before I felt the smooth treads of your back tire roll up on my torso. I can normally deal with situations like this on my own, but I seem unable to move. And please don’t get me wrong, I’ve always admired Lexus. The name itself infers supreme luxury and superior engineering.

And your Lexus, the one you parked on my torso, is that…? Why, it’s the GS Hyrid 450h! Its standard theft-deterrent system, 10 airbags, and ABS brakes are only the start of a long list of features for one of today’s most luxurious vehicles on the road. And of course you’re going to want to convert the energy expended during braking into electrical energy; regenerative braking is a must-have among the savviest of green-thinking luxury motorists. And sure, some people may not appreciate the dual-zone climate control system, but I can tell that you care about your passenger’s comfort as much as you care about your own. You certainly look right at home behind the steering wheel, but I think when you backed up while you were talking on your Bluetooth-enabled Blackberry you may have missed me prostrated in the road.

But my problems are not important. You look like you’re running late, so I’ll be brief.  Do you think you could move your Lexus off of my torso? That would be a huge help for me and I would greatly appreciate it.

I can see how you would not even have noticed, with the great handling and Adaptive Variable Suspension this Lexus has. It makes these potholed city streets feel like you’re driving on silk. It certainly helps keep your latte from spilling on the wood-accent paneled console and the handcrafted leather seats. My 32″ chest would barely shift the chassis, not with the standard AVS, nosiree. I know that the backup camera, which is standard on the GS, would have shown you that I was on the ground behind you. But your superior driving skills demand a superior driving experience, and that backup camera only detracts from it, because it says you don’t have the confidence to park on your own.

Honestly, I really don’t want to take up any more of your time. I was just hoping I can ask for this quick favor to please move your Lexus from my torso.

While I am down here, though, let me say that the bold exterior and exclusive alloy wheel design both demonstrate that you are not a man who accepts the vanilla standards of some of other so-called  “luxury” vehicles. The power moonroof and integrated foglamps also show that you will not be confined by your vehicle or be limited by Mother Nature. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but this vehicle says more about you than your bank account or résumé or trophy wife ever could. I’m truly impressed, sir, truly impressed. You are an inspiration to a new generation of luxury car owners.

Take it from a guy who is up-close and personal with your Lexus. Which is on my torso.

Top 5 “Journeyman” storylines I’m looking forward to

JOURNEYMAN is today’s answer for the classic time-traveling for the betterment of humanity show. A fantastic cast, smartly written episodes, and just the right amount of humanity form a potentially breakout hit. Ignoring the obvious cutting down from a two hour pilot to a one-hour episode, each episode is done well and gives just the right amount of new information to keep us hooked. This show is in danger of not being picked up for a full season, and looks like CHUCK and LIFE are safe. The ratings for the next new episode on December 10 will be a major determining factor. Improvement will mean a pickup, remaining steady may keep it in limbo, and any decline would assuredly get it cancelled. And this writers strike just adds another dangerous variable.

http://www.nbc.com/Journeyman/ 

Well, let’s assume the show can get a full season pickup and renewed for next season (the WGA strike not withstanding)…. In no particular order, here are the top 5 potential storylines I’m looking forward to:

The one where Dan travels outside the San Francisco Bay area

Up to this point, the show has followed a careful, contained formula. The show is about Dan Vasser (Kevin McKidd), a newpaper journalist who keeps getting involuntarily pulled into the past to help a specific person in various points in his or her life, but Dan must struggle to keep up his marriage and family life in the present. Fortunately, Dan’s travels keep him in San Francisco, the city he was born, raised, and currently resides in. He operates in relatively familiar territory, just in the past. His resources at the paper, cunning investigative skills, and instincts allow him to figure out his mission and execute it within the 44-minute episode. The show tactfully avoids the LOST-type cliffhangers and mysteries (who/what is pulling him through time, why does Livia travel from the past always to Dan’s mission, etc), and it slowly reveals only necessary information to the audience. The mysteries behind it are interesting, but, unlike LOST, they are not the real reasons you tune in. Anyway, Dan will inevitably have to travel outside the comfort zone of Frisco and into unfamiliar lands, perhaps Cleveland or Hong Kong, as the show continues to slowly expand the limits of what we can see Dan accomplish.

The one where Future Dan comes back to help himself on a mission in the present (scar, odd haircut optional)

While Dan wants to get a handle on his time traveling and figure out how to stop it somehow, we have to assume that he will be making leaps through time for the rest of his life. We can also assume that as he jumps within the confines San Francisco, his future self would probably come back and intersect with him in the present for some scheme. If you were a time traveling hero, wouldn’t you use your past self to accomplish your mission?

The one where Dan travels to the future 

Dan will have to eventually give us a glimpse of the future, and it won’t look much different than the present. Just sillier haircuts and interesting gadgets.

The one where Dan inserts himself in history as the direct cause of some event the entire world already knows about, even though it contradicts the internal logic of the show’s time jumping

No one wants to see Dan somehow being in the right place at the right time so the correct cable is plugged in so everyone can watch the moon landing in 1969, but it is an irresistible angle for a show about time travel. But we see how Dan’s actions in the past directly affect his present (see the conversation Dan had with Jack about his time traveling – it turns out that never happened, due to Dan’s meddling in the past), so if he suddenly becomes the catalyst for a world-changing event that us, the audience, have already experienced, it would just be a cheap way to let us relate to Dan. The only way it could work without turning my stomach would be for him to be a ‘replacement’. In other words, he wasn’t originally there to plug in that cable, but he was standing next to the guy who was and so just decided to do it himself. Either way, the cable gets plugged in, but Dan is the one who accomplishes it. I hope they avoid this cliche altogether, but with how clever this show is I would like to see how they decide to do it.

The one where the show officially jumps the shark and creates a really silly premise where that physics professor starts giving Dan help and tools to use during his time travelling.

Ugh. There are a million ways to make something like this not work. I don’t know what creator Kevin Falls has in mind, but they’re clearly pointing to FBI Agent Garrity (played by Paul Schulze) and the physics professor (played by Tom Everett) to having specific prior knowledge about time travel. Those interested in the mystery behind Dan’s travels should be salivating by this point. Other people potentially know what’s going on!!

— 

I’ve been known to get behind some really terrible ideas, like paying full price to see DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS and MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION, to name two. But those who know me also know my tastes have evolved and I’ve backed some really solid entertainment lately. And I fully advocate watching JOURNEYMAN, and most people who have seen it would likely agree. Set the DVR and watch it at your leisure or over at nbc.com. The series settles in quite nicely with the everyman-hero shows that came out this year to capitalize on the unexpected success of Tim Kring’s HEROES. You don’t have to think too hard, you don’t get jerked around by perpetually appearing mysteries, and each episode will satisfy with a solid story. The actors have the “it” factor you look for in a main and supporting cast and none of them appear out of place or outdo each other. Please watch and enjoy.

Google’s Green Earth

I love Gizmodo, and of course I like today’s article about how analysts are missing the point about Google’s announcement to invest millions into Renewable energy. Click for the full article but check out the excerpt below.

Think about it: if Google bank rolls research that develops a more efficient form of renewable energy, say, solar panels that are twice as efficient as current models, it benefits in three distinct ways. First, it saves money by powering its gigantic server farms cheaply using renewable energy. Second, it makes money by having the rights to the new technology that other energy-hungry companies will want. And third, it’ll look like the hero of the beach for spending loads of money to help save the environment and actually making a difference.

Definitely smart business. Renewable energy is going to make a lot of people a lot of money, and Google will help figure out how better ways to do it.

Haiku for the CTA

What the Chicago Transit Authority made me think of:

Cool metal box smells,
Room for three or three hundred,
Worth every penny.

Can I talk to you for a second, Björk?

Thanks for coming in, Björk, please have a seat.

It’s been a little while since we had a chat. How’ve you been?

Wow, that’s great! I can’t believe you’re back in the studio. I would think you’d still be busy with Volta, which is really great. You know, keep this up and you’ll have to put out another best-of collection. I’ve been a big fan since you put out Post, and… well, you know all of this already.

Anyway, I think you know why I called you in here. And of course, this isn’t the first time we had to have this talk. Plus, while this was already building, last Friday’s incident brought everything to a head. I want to state for the record that this is not personal and that I hope we can keep this professional. But there has been a serious pattern of inappropriate conduct since you began here.

On Tuesday, the 18th of last month, we can agree you assumed a scorpion yoga pose, otherwise known as Vrschikasana, on a leather office chair right out front and meditated for an hour.

On Thursday, the 27th of last month, we can agree that you spent the better part of 7 hours completely covered in gold body paint, correct? And that anyone who spoke to you that day only received responses in the form of the high-pitch cooing of that venom-spitting dilophosaurus from Jurassic Park?

On the 4th of this month, you flagellated yourself using metal safety cables, cursing in Mandarin and smearing the blood of your wounds on the windows to spell out what roughly translates to “Greed Demon Escorts Damnation.” You were promptly sent home to get cleaned up.

Finally, on the 11th, a day you should not have even been here, you set up a one-person performance piece outside, in which the word “Happiness” was across written your stomach and you simulated being mauled by a paper-mache grizzly bear with the word “Money” painted on its back, all while thumping electronic beats emanated from a cartoonishly large boombox. You did this for 3 hours.

Look, obviously this is not the right way to do business, Björk. You’re not in Iceland anymore, this is America; we do things differently here. And sure, that yoga thing was during your lunch break, but it gave other people an odd impression of the company, if it did not drive them away like your bloody Chinese letters did or your occasional yodeling does. And you know that while I am a big fan of yours (and a friend, I hope!), I am also your direct superior. I have to address these issues with you.

But I think that you can only give so many verbal and written reprimands before serious action has to occur. Again, this is not personal. And I don’t want this to be something that soils your perception of the company. This is clearly a business decision where we have to protect the company and our loyal customers. I hope you understand.

I’m sorry, Björk, but we’re going to have to let you go.

As of today, you no longer work for Home Depot. Please hand in your orange apron.

And good luck on the next album.

That didn’t sound very racist in my head

Oh God.

Wait, no, that’s not what I meant. No, no, seriously!!! You knew what I meant, right? I’m not a — Shit!!!

Really, I’m not! I was just trying to say  — well, I’m not sure, exactly. I’m sure I had a really good point.

But that didn’t sound very racist in my head.

Did Steve hear me? Oh god, I don’t think he did. Did he? Seriously? He did, didn’t he? Shit, go check if he heard me.

God, I’m an idiot. I don’t think I’ve ever said something like that before, ever. Why would I do that? Now I look like a huge bigot slash racist slash douchebag. And I’m not!! Why??? Why would I say that?

I’m going to straight to hell, that’s it. Going straight. To. Hell.

I thought it was going to be a witty and subversive commentary on society, but it just looks like I’m full of hate.

Oh GOD! What?? What did my smile look like?? Oh Jesus, are you kidding? Tell me you’re kidding. My big shit-eating grin along with my little Nazi hate mongering. That’s exactly what everyone wants to see! Great. Just… great!

I don’t think Steve heard me. It’s fine. No, it’s seriously fine.

You knew that was a joke, though, right? Like, not even a real joke, but like parody of people who talk like that…?? Right? Tell me you knew that!!

GOD!

I just have to keep my mouth shut from now on. Just stop talking and I will stop doing stupid things like this. Unbelieveable.

Steve’s cool, though. He’d know that was a joke. Right? He’s cool, he would get it. Yeah, he’s cool….

My Destiny as a playwright is in flux

So an old friend of mine told me back in July ’07 that he had been working on a number of literary-type projects, which did not surprise me in the least. I always joke with him that inbetween drinking heavily, deconstructing Proust, arguing about the best routes into and out of Luzerne County, PA, and quoting Dane Cook constantly, he is always performing in some play or writing short stories and working on his couple of novels. Plus, he still manages to have an active life that completely decimates mine when you compare us two. For example, he hosts more than a few parties a year, attends regular city council meetings, donates time as a spotter at the rock climbing wall at the gym, makes theme baskets for silent church auctions, and hosts poetry slams on Tuesdays. THEN, this fellow still tries to work in some fun during his downtime, which includes road trips to Amish Country, taking tours at the Natural History Museum, and following RATT on tour. Busy guy!

ANYWAY, one of his projects included submitting a couple ten-minute plays to a festival contest being held at some rinky-dink operation in Delaware. The theme for year? SEX. Goodness gracious, SEX. In TEN MINUTES. Ignoring the obvious joke about sex lasting around ten minutes (“HUURRR!!”), I became intrigued and demanded some details. I wanted to get in on the action, as I usually find myself latching onto the fun and interesting things my friends do anyway. I had a mere 4 days to craft together a slam-banging ten-minute romp for the stage to raise some money for some supposedly edgy theater company.

So I hunkered down in my office to really brainstorm and find the next hot idea, and I spent minutes literally just tapping my pen and thinking. Humming different sit-com theme songs does not help this process, by the way. So I thought about cool things people like to talk about, experience, or be entertained by in life, and I considered how great it would be to smash them together into a ten minute play that had SEX as the main subject matter. It wasn’t long before I picked the cream of the crop and I feverishly jotted down a few lines that changed my life forever.

She’s a Ghost.
He’s a spy.
They have sex.

The Ghost/Spy Sex play was born!

Written as a five page Word document featuring only three characters, my play was called “Secrets.” And boy oh boy, it was amazing and nearly flawless in every way. A young couple reveal their own hidden truths to each other as they grow ever closer, and they also bang each other in a quick blackout on stage. He’s a spy who goes on cool missions and blows things up, and his roommate is also a spy and his good friend. She is a ghost who can manipulate herself to become in phase with reality and telepathically make you believe you are seeing a real person. And for three months in their ever-blossoming committed relationship, neither knew about the other’s secret. These new discoveries shock them and fill them with doubt. But the revelations only lead to strengthening their feelings for one another. On stage, the main spy character recounts the conversation he had with his girlfriend to his friend while seamlessly jumping right back into the dialogue with her. It was like watching flashbacks as they originally occurred while explaining what happened in the flashbacks. It’s like how they they do things on “How I Met Your Mother,” at least, I think.

Anyway, these Delaware hacks didn’t even pick it to be one of the top 6 plays to be performed at the benefit! COME ON! Ghost Spy Ballin’! How edgy can you get? I guess only a director with some balls would have taken on the challenge of my masterpiece, so of course no inbred ghoul from Eastern DE would have been man enough and dare to step up and really give the audience a show they would never forget. Too bad the plays were not being staged in Madison, WI. Those Madison theater folks are CA-FREAKIN’-RAZY! They have no fear. They have no restraint. Delaware theater? A bunch of bed-wetting little girls.

So now I have to see if I can transform this 10-minute play into a full One Act, and then finish my followup epic about the woman who goes to get her labia pierced and the girl who performs the procedure turns out to be her biological daughter who she gave up for adoption 20 years ago. It’s called “What My Daughter Saw Twice.” MIND. BLOWING. THEATER.

I should finish these new plays up and really give the Chicago community a few performances to really talk about. They can’t ride the Blue Man Group forever. That’s seriously it around here; there is no real theater of consequence to speak of. Get with it, Chicago!!

I’d Die For Addai

Below is an excerpt from my upcoming unauthorized biography of Joseph Addai, tentatively titled, Dying For Addai. Please enjoy the opening paragraphs from Chapter 3, ‘Origins of a Man-God.’

Ask him what he credits his success and superstardom to, and ol’ Joe will probably shrug his shoulders with his usual half-grin and say, “Mom and Pop.”  The scrappy ne’er-do-well from southern Kansas was raised by a hippie mother and a father who owned a successful Car Wash. After his first 100-yard game. Joe told reporters he was dedicating his milestone to his parents, noting that while they tried to raise him right, they probably did not dream that their son would become a global superstar running back in the NFL. His parents, Sunshine and Graham J. Addai, spent much of their early marriage uselessly protesting wars, promoting environmental responsibility, and handing out Free Wash punch cards at church picnics. (Buy 8 Washes, and the 9th is free) What they did not realize is that while they did not have aspirations for young Joseph to become the god that he is, they gave him the tools to get there by drilling into him three important tenants to live by almost every day. Joe has fond memories of his parents repeating these tenants to him as a though it was a new lesson about life, often after he said his prayers before bed and during especially trying times.

1. Start every day with a balanced breakfast and end it with a good night’s rest.
2. If you want something, you must be willing to find passion for it and sacrifice for it.
3. Explode through the hole; keep the knees up and the feet moving constantly.

Young Joseph was often confused about the third point, as he could not understand why his father would say that when Joe would bring home a C- on a history report or a scraped arm after exploring in the woods looking for turtles. Now that he tears through the defense of many AFC teams year after year, he admits to finally understanding what his parents were talking about. “Pops wasn’t crazy, but he wanted you to think he was.”

Look for this exhaustively researched biography to appear everywhere books are sold in Q3 2008.

Welcome to my Blarg!

People come up to me all the time and go, “Hey man, what’s your blog address?”

And I usually stand up because I’m probably close the ground trying to put my bicycle chain back on my ten-speed and I say to them, “First of all, even if I had a blog, I wouldn’t tell you where to find it. Second of all, what are you talking aboot?”

Then they go all into supposedly how great the Internet is now, and I wave them off and say, “Yeah, yeah. Sounds really cool. I should do that.” And on the inside I’m all smiling to myself because everything they say is exactly what everyone said about Crystal Pepsi, and look what happened to that.

But I figured if I didn’t jump on this crazy Internet phenom of weblogging now, I’ll never have a chance to become famous. I have to start before EVERYBODY is doing it and I get lost in a sea of upwards of 60,000 bloggers. Goodness, could you imagine? Tens of thousands of people using the Internet to sound off on their very own homepages? My word, the very idea!!

Anyway, welcome.

Thanks for taking the fun out of Test Posting, WordPress!

Man, WordPress already went ahead and created a test post and a comment for my blog. And it looks pretty sweet. Will have to mess with the themes, but for now, I will not be denied my right to test post some formatting nonsense:

 What does that this look like?

1. Medicine Ball
2. Nancy Grace
3. Self-Actualization
4. Goat

Thanks to Senator Marquez for his interesting response to his opponent’s claim that he is out of touch with his constituents.

“Your mom wouldn’t say I am out of touch.”

ZING!

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!