Get me out of this Romantic Comedy!!

How many times must I endure this?

My rather handsome and charming best friend since childhood, Derek Jackson, has been single for awhile. And boy, if he’s not out of luck in the love department, he sure can’t hold down steady work. Sure, it’s hard being a successful executive at an advertising firm where it was “work, work, work” all the time. And okay, when he was Mr. Good-Looking-Veterinarian before he changed jobs, he hardly had time for the extremely good looking women who brought him their pets. And now he’s managing a team of wildly different folks who all bring some quirky humor to the mix at a modern office building, where the job description isn’t very clear but everyone is busy. It is hard to maintain a relationship when you worked at some ambiguous place. As Michele would say, “No time for Love, Dr. Jones,” much to the mild groans and eye-rolling for the rest of the gang, because making pop culture references is the only character trait we’ve been able to discover for her.

It’s hard being Derek’s best friend and watching him unable to find true happiness. We occasionally talk about his search, usually when we go jogging in the middle of the day or when we play racquetball after work. But he doesn’t really bring it up unless some woman pops into his life and he starts reconsidering everything he thought he knew. Usually he’s already in a semi-serious relationship with some successful woman who is smart, funny, and an inexplicable dark brunette. She says all the right things, brings Derek a vegetarian lasagna lunch and encourages him in everything he does. Then some high-maintenance blond woman bumps into him at the elevator lobby AND the cafe around the corner, and suddenly Derek doesn’t know if his two year relationship is working. He doesn’t really say that, so he stays in that relationship all while talking to me about the batty nutjob who’s so different than anyone he ever met because she wears a kangol hat with a matching scarf. And somehow that chick saw him without his shirt on without him knowing and she started hyperventilating and he doesn’t even know her last name.

So then he breaks it off with the dark-haired one and starts seeing the blood pressure queen. She’s also successful, of course, so she isn’t really blown away by his large Manhattan loft apartment. (Even though I work with Derek, I can barely maintain a one-bedroom apartment in Queens.) And it seems to go okay for almost twenty minutes, but something gets in the way and there is all sorts of confusion and they get mad at each other and she doesn’t want to see him again and he avoids her. Then I’m at home thinking, “Why is my best friend dating that horse-faced chick from Sex And The City, and why can’t they get it right?”

Then he goes back with the dark haired woman for a little bit, all while staring out the window thinking about the blond mess. Of course, I know the truth about said mixup, but I don’t realize I know it and when I finally tell Derek that crucial piece of information that allows him to piece together why he was wrong in all of this, she’s already on her way to the airport to Vienna for six months on a lecture tour.

My role as best buddy looks easy, but – trust me – it takes plenty of practice to offer him funny little quips, euphemisms for sex, and bits of sage advice inbetween checking the ball during our one-on-one basketball matchups over on 6th. I usually meet the blond girl only once but I have to really get to know her by the things he tells me about her and of course I have all these insights that are either insanely off-base or dead-on-balls accurate. And I don’t have a current girlfriend, but I talk like I’ve been around and seen just about every kind of woman imaginable but pigeonhole every woman into one of five or six archetypes. He’s better looking, more successful, with many more women beating down his door, but he likes to hear my insight on women.

Oh well, Lord knows I’ll be doing this for the rest of my 30-something years. Better get back to my inexplicit job before Michele quotes Bogart or Derek meets someone else to get all confused about. I should see if he wants to lift weights later.

Lasagna Cat

Hey kids, no new content today. Why? Because I’m off to the Cubs game in a few minutes. But I have to share the love for the guys over at Fatal Farm, and particularly their Lasagna Cat stuff. It’s huge on the Internet, but I wanted to give my official endorsement before it was too late. Give one of the Lasagna Cats a try below.

And be sure to give their other stuff a looksee. Ciao for now,

-Munch

P.S… if this the last post you ever see here, I died.

My Charlie’s Angels/Buffy:TVS fan-fiction

My CA/BTVS fanfiction is really taking off in the fanfic community and I just wanted to share a bit of my latest chapter with you all! 🙂 😀 🙂 😀 🙂 😀 This is an excerpt from the third part of at least a thirteen episode season, I promise if there is enough demand I will definitely see if the show can get “picked up” for a back nine order LOL!!!!!!!

Background: My CA/BTVS “series” takes place after the events of both modern Charlie’s Angels movies (Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle), and Season 5 of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. Everything that happened before that point is considered canon, letting me be free to do WHATEVER I want from that point out.

Previously on CA/BTVS: Buffy returns from the dead with the help of her friends and reacquaints herself with her Slayer duties. Charlie sends the Angels from Los Angeles to Sunnydale, CA to scout out a new recruit. But is Buffy who they want on the team? After the Angels encounter Buffy and her friends at the Bronze, they fight together against a gang of vampires in the alley, and the Angels decide they want to help Buffy clean up Sunnydale’s vampire problem. Buffy invites the Angels to move into her home, and they agree to it only if Buffy will show them a little more about what it means to be a Slayer. What none of the girls are aware of is the fact that Angels crossed paths with a particular Angel who lives in the City of Angels. 😀

Charlie’s Angels/Buffy: The Vampire Slayer fan-fiction by: Steve Drasmund AKA “Dark Drazz”
Season 1: Giles’ Angels
Episode 3: Graveyard Shift
written by: DARK DRAZZ
Thanks to: Li’l Willow, DylanDylon, XxSlayerQueenxX, Angelus444 and Spiiikkke

Buffy: Sarah Michelle Gellar
Dylan: Drew Barrymore
Alex: Lucy Liu
Natalie: Cameron Diaz
Dawn: Michelle Trachtenberg
Willow: Alyson Hannigan
Xander: Nicholas Brendon
Giles: Anthony Stewart Head
Anya: Emma Caulfield
Spike: James Marsters
</theme music> 🙂

“Watch out!!” Buffy shouted to Natalie. Buffy spun kick with her left leg and knocked the male vampire down, but he quickly got up and growled like a lion, but more hellish and demon-like than a regular lion. The vampire’s attention was turned to Buffy, who was wearing her favorite jeans and suede jacket, so he did not notice that Dylan had snuck up behind him with a wooden stake in her right hand. Or did he? As she tried to plunge the stake into the back of the vampire’s back, he quick spun around and backhanded her face with a closed fist and that sent her flying through the air and then up against a headstone marked “Bauer.”

“Ooooh, that smarts,” Dylan moaned to herself and shook her head to clear the cobwebs.

“Hey,” Alex shouted to the vampire. Alex was dressed in all black like a cat burglar, with a black cap that covered most of her shiny black hair. She was squatting on the top of a large headstone like how Spider-Man would squat on the top of tall building and survey the ground below. The crossbow she held aimed at the vampire was loaded, so she thought she could try to intimidate the demonspawn. The vampire glanced over his shoulder and noticed the loaded crossbow pointed at him and growled again like a lion that had a thirst for blood. He then turned and faced her and Alex knew she had her chance to hit him right in the heart and kill him forever. But when the crossbow clicked, the arrow flew through the air and the vampire was fast enough to catch it in midair right before it could even pierce his undead skin. The vampire lion-growled again and broke the arrow in his hand like a normal but strong person would break a pencil with one hand. Alex fumbled with the crossbow to reload it because she thought she would have killed the beast with one shot and she was not prepared to load it additionally. The ferocious demon moved really fast and spun kicked her legs out from on top of the headstone and she fell backward with an “OOOF!” If the vampie was not clouded by the bloodlust in his stomach because he just rose from the grave not more than ten minutes ago and was really thirsty for blood, he would have said, “Two down, two to go.” The vampire spun around again and noticed Natalie.

Natalie pulled out the crucifix and held it in front of her. She remembered what she saw in the movies and she knew that vampires did not like the cross of the holy Jesus Christ, among other things like holy water, garlic, and of course sunlight. She secretly wished it was two in the afternoon. But the vampire approached her, seemingly not affected by the cross in Natalie’s hand. She shook it at little in the effort to make the growling vampire notice it, but it still did not bother him in any way. “Buffy…!?” she called to the Slayer.

“Natalie!” Buffy shouted back. “You’re holding it upside down!”

Natalie didn’t even realize that it was upside down and before she had time to flip it around, the vampire grabbed her by the arm and swung her into Dylan, who was just getting up and dusting herself off. The vampire seemed pleased with his ability to fend off the ladies dressed in really hot clothes, except for Alex who was like a cat burglar.

“Hey, ugly,” Buffy said, with her arms crossed. The vampire spun around again to see Buffy standing there. And because she was pretty short compared to him because he was over six feet tall, she looked like a tasty snack. The Slayer asked the demon, “Please don’t eat little ol’ me.”

Alex was pretty sure Buffy didn’t really mean to beg for her life but she was a little curious. Did a Slayer get scared? Alex was thinking that because she herself was not a Slayer and she was pretty scared at the undead vampire who seemed able to take apart the Angels without working up a sweat. She watched as Buffy still stood there with her arms crossed, almost like she was holding herself to protect herself. The vampire snarled and growled as he approached the Slayer who suddenly looked scared and vulnerable. Alex thought, could this be the end for the Slayer?

The vampire got one foot from Buffy and put his hands up to grab her but then she said really sternly, “Wait! Question for you.” The vampire stopped for a moment and Buffy said, “What happens if don’t clean your house after awhile?” The vampire cocked his head like a beagle dog or German shepherd to signify that he didn’t get the question. And like lightning, Buffy pulled a wooden stake from the sleeve of her suede jacket and plunged it deep into the heart of the demon. “You get dust everywhere,” she finished. And right on cue he fell apart into dusty demon bits and the battle was over.

The Angels gathered together to make sure each one of them were okay. And they hugged each other a little because they were happy they were all still alive.

“Looks like we have a lot to learn about slaying vampires,” Dylan said to no one in particular.

</excerpt>

If you want to check out the rest, head on over to fanfic.vampslayers.net/CABTVS/s01ep03.html or check out the season from the beginning at fanfic.vampslayers.net/CABTVS/index.html. Leave me a comment to let me know what you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Drazz

I love Amazon.com!

Going through some old e-mails in my Yahoo acccount, I like to see what kind of cool stuff I forgot I had. It’s fun to go through the old search box with some different terms and see what pops out. I decided to to find any e-mails I sent or received that had “Star Trek” somewhere in them. I’m a fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but not in that convention-going way, more in that I’m-also-a-fan-of-Frasier kind of way.

ANYWAY, below is an excerpt from an actual e-mail I received from Amazon.com with one of their helpful product recommendations in May 2006. Screenshot at the end.

How awesome is this:

“We’ve noticed that customers who have purchased Star Trek The Next Generation – The Complete Second Season also purchased Alf: Season Three on DVD. For this reason, you might like to know that Alf: Season Three will be released on May 30, 2006 on DVD. You can pre-order yours at a savings of 30% by following the link below.”

Keep in mind I purchased that Next Generation set in 2002 or 2003 because I spent lots of money on this sort of thing back then. And, three years later, Amazon figured they could maximize their potential revenue on Alf: Season Three by recommending it to dorks like me because one moron bought these two disparate items. I’m a little offended, though, and I suppose all Star Trek fans should be, because Amazon certainly wasn’t going to get much cash out of people who would buy it “ironically,” but from folks who – according to Amazon – really, really enjoy stuff it considers to be incredibly dumb shit.

And a big “F You!” to the weirdo who pre-ordered (PRE-ORDERED!!!) Alf: Season Three; you made my favorite online retailer think I’m just like you. You make me sick.

Huh, they also thought I might enjoy Frasier, too. How about that?

Oh God, 8 hours in Newark….

If you’ve been paying attention to this blog, and I know you have, you know I currently work in Life Insurance. I work in Chicago, a primarily new market for our New York-based company. My superiors thought I would benefit from some training in our NYC office because I would meet the folks who have been doing this for a number of years and I could really see how they get things done. So, a free trip to NYC, staying at Sheraton Towers and Hotel for a week (just blocks from Times Square), and learning some best practices so I can become a stronger asset to the company. Sounds like a pretty good week, right? Well, one tragically unexpected thing occurred; I was to spend one full day in our Newark, NJ office because our trainer had some things to take care of in that office. This was not planned ahead of time, and it certainly wasn’t the news I wanted to hear at 5:30pm on a Tuesday. I spent the next day in that hell, not fully prepared to take it all in. The day, overall, was a wash because no real training went on, but I had some free time to absorb my environment.

Below is the actual correspondence via text message between me and a friend I hold in the highest regard in March, 2008. Cleaned up for formatting and punctuation.

Me 1:16pm: Newark is the shit!

Da Bomb!

Zack 1:21pm: Where is that? Is that Newark?

Zack 1:23pm: Good god! It is Newark! I recognize the filth!

Me 1:32pm: This place is awful. Dregs of humanity prowl the streets. I heard they just got Snapple here.

Me 1:34pm: 12 stories up!

Another angle

Zack 1:38pm: Good lord! What a vile hole of festering spew! Where are they sending you next? Dover? Good god not Dover!

Me 2:08pm: If I have to go to Dover I will quit immediately and walk home. This is bad enough!

Zack 2:09pm: Damn straight! You’re a human being, goddammit! There’s only so much you can be expected to deal with.

Me 2:20pm: This place is of the devil. How mankind dares thrive here is anyones guess. Persistence of the foolish and retarded perhaps.

Zack 2:43pm: That sounds about right. Any serious amount of time spent in Newark renders you that way irreversibly. Get out while you’re not retarded!

Me2:50pm: I’m here until 6. I hope I make it! I was starting to think about watching NASCAR this wekend. What’s next, stop bathing!? Throw out books?! Make Steak-Umms?!

Zack2:55pm: Bah! Horrible! The influence of that shithole may not be evident in your brain for years. But if you start talking about volunteering for the Nader for President campaign, I swear I’ll shoot you.

Me3:42pm: This is murder. I’ve been to ghettoes that look like Six Flags compared to this place!

Zack 3:47pm: I’ll bet they didn’t pitch this trip to you with the caveat that you’d get to visit Newark! You should bomb your work when you get back!

Me 3:54pm: For the sake of mankind I should bomb Newark Fucking New Jersey! God. Plus its been a totally meaningless work day. Unproductive. This sucks!

Me 4:21pm: Oh god no

I think their biggest exhibit is a dog skeleton collection.

Zack 4:26pm: Ha! Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t be surprised. What a disaster that town is. Better get out while you still can!

Me 4:33pm: I saw a homeless man walking a pig on a leash!

Moments after that message was sent, I managed to find a way out and get back to NYC in one piece. Zack heard nothing of my fate until the next morning.

Me8:30am Thu Mar 13: Made it safely back to NY but my clothes still smell like ham and burnt hair. Fuckin Newark.

Zack 9:46am: Thank god you made it. You are of the lucky ones. If they make you go back, go in a tank, take some of that town with you!

Me 10:42am: I’m never going back. God no.

I recommend you absolutely stay the hell away from Newark, NJ. You’ve got too much to live for to go headfirst into one of the worst places on the face of the Earth. My adventure was tame, but a torture to endure. You do not have to face what I did. The text and pictures messages do not tell the whole story. I cannot reveal the whole truth because you do not want to know.

This is your warning.

Holy Shit, “Ed” was on TV for 4 Seasons!

Whoa, guys, check this out. I was dicking around on IMDB earlier and found out some startling news. Did you know NBC had an award-winning show called “Ed”? Seriously, it won a TV Guide Award along with a People’s Choice, and it had multiple Emmy nominations in the first season. Holy shit, check this out: it was on TV for 4 seasons! Four! It says here that 83 episodes were produced. 83 hours of television on the Network that was number one for like 15 years!

Seriously, raise your hands if you’ve heard of this show. Apparently, it starred the guy who played Zach Braff’s brother on “Scrubs”. You know, back then I knew that guy looked familiar. Maybe I remember seeing his face on commercials for the show back when I got high and watched “Scrubs.”

Wait, what the hell? Fucking Michael Ian Black was on the show for ALL 83 episodes???? The comedian who captured our hearts with “The State” and “Viva Variety” and “Stella” was a regular on an hour-long dramedy on NBC for 4 years?? The guy who continues to change the face of Hollywood with his screenplays and comedic turns on various shows?

I… I don’t understand. Okay, okay, who actually knew about this? Let’s think this through. Someone had to greenlight this show, and it ran from 2000 to 2004. God, think of the untold millions of dollars spent on funding this thing! Can you believe this show likely kept around 300 people employed for a stretch during those four years?

Did you know Justin Long was also a series regular, credited for ALL 83 episodes? The guy who headlined his own terrible comedic movie? The MAC in the MAC vs. PC commercials for Apple? The comic relief from “Live Free or Die Hard?” The guy currently kickin’ it with Drew Barrymore?? Good grief!

It says here the show got cancelled due to low ratings for the 4th season. Well, shit, I would think it would have been gone after 3 episodes because who the hell heard of this show? You’d think I would have remembered NBC promoting this. I watched plenty of “Friends” and “Will & Grace” back then, surely this this thing would have clicked with me.

The same network that had “The Cosby Show,” “Cheers,” and “Frasier” had a show called “Ed.” Golly, who knew? Consider my mind BLOWN.

Your body spray really masks the smell of urine

Hi. Look, I normally don’t do this, but we’re sitting here on this subway car together and I just have to tell you something. This may sound creepy, but I’ve seen you on this train before. Well, many times. In fact, I know you always get on the third car when the 6:19 pulls up because I’m already on it from one stop up. But I’ve noticed you for one particularly special reason.

Your body spray really masks the smell of urine on this train.

This may sound strange, but we’re both leaving the downtown area trying to get home and we don’t know each other’s names, but all I want to do is get closer to you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just the body spray. I mean, you’re positively bewitching, what with your smart fashion sense, biting sense of humor (I couldn’t help but notice the tiny pin on your bag that says, “[Clever phrase here]”), and unbelievably canny half-grin. You’ve got youth, vitality and the playful aroma of lavender and raspberry with a hint of alcohol. Sometimes it’s strawberry kiwi or ocean mist. But no matter the fragrance, when you step through those doors, the putrid odor of the dirty, God-forsaken homeless wretches of this crap city wafts away while I’m enveloped in a captivating artificial scent of peach tart meringue.

I don’t know how to thank you for what you do. You make going through the mundane and dreary seem like flying through the air. Navigating through life’s horrific banality becomes a whimsical dance atop marshmallows and children’s laughter.

Do they make a body spray of freshly cut grass? No. Wait, no, I guess that wouldn’t make sense.

I’m sorry, I sometimes say silly things when I get a little nervous. But no, I’m not afraid to tell you this: I am blanched by your presence. Me, I’m a worthless vagabond; just a lowly mid-level manager at a fledgling dot-com just trying to get by. You? You are this goddess with interminable beauty who has the power to erradicate the stale odor on these upholstered seats left behind by the forgotten pigs of poverty. Your unparalleled redolence makes this train a sanctuary for us who have sat under fluorescent lights breathing in fetid, recycled air all day. I feel protected in the odorous womb you cast upon us.

So please, while we have mere moments left together on this day where everything between us has been changed in perpetuity, where this fool’s audacious words have unfurled in a brief moment of clarity and near child-like abandon, allow me this moment to fully absorb your essence. If I am never to see you again, I will draw your fragrance in and hope your scent abides, if only to forever banish this repugnant urine smell from my olfactory glands. Your beauty, unmatched. Your scent, ambrosial.

Why yes, that is a pocket thesaurus. Why do you ask?

And we’re back

Hey there, FSWP fans, thanks again for joining us! We are back after a LOOONG hiatus and I just wanted to let you know what we have coming down the pipe!

A ripping, satirical look at ordering fast food!

Fifteen awkward activities to perform in a grocery store!

Tanks!

Why paying rent SUCKS!

Special guest and friend of the blog, Congressman Denny Rehberg (MT) will be stopping by!

And much more! Stay tuned..!