Get me out of this Romantic Comedy!!

How many times must I endure this?

My rather handsome and charming best friend since childhood, Derek Jackson, has been single for awhile. And boy, if he’s not out of luck in the love department, he sure can’t hold down steady work. Sure, it’s hard being a successful executive at an advertising firm where it was “work, work, work” all the time. And okay, when he was Mr. Good-Looking-Veterinarian before he changed jobs, he hardly had time for the extremely good looking women who brought him their pets. And now he’s managing a team of wildly different folks who all bring some quirky humor to the mix at a modern office building, where the job description isn’t very clear but everyone is busy. It is hard to maintain a relationship when you worked at some ambiguous place. As Michele would say, “No time for Love, Dr. Jones,” much to the mild groans and eye-rolling for the rest of the gang, because making pop culture references is the only character trait we’ve been able to discover for her.

It’s hard being Derek’s best friend and watching him unable to find true happiness. We occasionally talk about his search, usually when we go jogging in the middle of the day or when we play racquetball after work. But he doesn’t really bring it up unless some woman pops into his life and he starts reconsidering everything he thought he knew. Usually he’s already in a semi-serious relationship with some successful woman who is smart, funny, and an inexplicable dark brunette. She says all the right things, brings Derek a vegetarian lasagna lunch and encourages him in everything he does. Then some high-maintenance blond woman bumps into him at the elevator lobby AND the cafe around the corner, and suddenly Derek doesn’t know if his two year relationship is working. He doesn’t really say that, so he stays in that relationship all while talking to me about the batty nutjob who’s so different than anyone he ever met because she wears a kangol hat with a matching scarf. And somehow that chick saw him without his shirt on without him knowing and she started hyperventilating and he doesn’t even know her last name.

So then he breaks it off with the dark-haired one and starts seeing the blood pressure queen. She’s also successful, of course, so she isn’t really blown away by his large Manhattan loft apartment. (Even though I work with Derek, I can barely maintain a one-bedroom apartment in Queens.) And it seems to go okay for almost twenty minutes, but something gets in the way and there is all sorts of confusion and they get mad at each other and she doesn’t want to see him again and he avoids her. Then I’m at home thinking, “Why is my best friend dating that horse-faced chick from Sex And The City, and why can’t they get it right?”

Then he goes back with the dark haired woman for a little bit, all while staring out the window thinking about the blond mess. Of course, I know the truth about said mixup, but I don’t realize I know it and when I finally tell Derek that crucial piece of information that allows him to piece together why he was wrong in all of this, she’s already on her way to the airport to Vienna for six months on a lecture tour.

My role as best buddy looks easy, but – trust me – it takes plenty of practice to offer him funny little quips, euphemisms for sex, and bits of sage advice inbetween checking the ball during our one-on-one basketball matchups over on 6th. I usually meet the blond girl only once but I have to really get to know her by the things he tells me about her and of course I have all these insights that are either insanely off-base or dead-on-balls accurate. And I don’t have a current girlfriend, but I talk like I’ve been around and seen just about every kind of woman imaginable but pigeonhole every woman into one of five or six archetypes. He’s better looking, more successful, with many more women beating down his door, but he likes to hear my insight on women.

Oh well, Lord knows I’ll be doing this for the rest of my 30-something years. Better get back to my inexplicit job before Michele quotes Bogart or Derek meets someone else to get all confused about. I should see if he wants to lift weights later.

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