Yeah, I finally said what everyone else is thinking! God, it feels so good to get that off my chest. I feel like this huge weight is gone! After all this time of you going on and on about what’s gone wrong in your life, everyone having to listen to every dumb little detail and smile and play nice, you finally get what’s coming to you! “Wah, my life sucks. Wah, everyone is stupid. Wah, this is just so unfair. This just sucks!”
Your face fucking sucks, dude.
You seriously need to get over yourself. When was the last time you asked about one of us? Did you even know Rocco over there just got his GED? I bet you didn’t even notice the banner that says “CONGRATULATIONS!!” hanging over the table there. You know, the table that has a cake and punch and chips on it? You just bust in on the surprise party, which I guess you fucking forgot about because you and your stupid face fucking sucks, and like, you just made it all about you, as usual.
What about Megan? She’s lost like 20 pounds and you don’t even notice? And yeah, maybe it’s a little hard to notice 20 pounds because she’s a bit of a fatty. But you know, if you weren’t so self-centered, I think you would have caught on with the rest of us.
Did it suck when Jerry lost his job last week? Yeah, of course. Did you even say, “Hey, sorry you lost your job, buddy?” And I forget, please remind me…. Did you even offer to throw in for his share of the bill when we went out to Olive Garden to cheer him up? No, of course you didn’t. You probably wished we were all buying you dinner because poor little you wasn’t the center of the universe for five fucking seconds. I know that must have sucked. But guess what? So did your goddamn face.
Look, we all like you, otherwise you would not be part of this super cool posse. And you’ve got a lot to be thankful for, like your mad juggling skills, those Benny Hill impressions that are spot on, oh, and I really don’t think I could balance my checkbook without that whiz-bang brain of yours helping me out. But geez, man, you need to get with it. Maybe things aren’t so bad after all, alright?
What kills us is that we all have important things going on in our lives, but you and your sucky face which sucks big-time seems so easy to neglect all of those things. Everyone was so supportive when I got the dealership to knock 4% off the three year lease to my new Accord. We all encouraged Nick when he decided to go vegetarian. All the guys were there for Madelyne when she scored that blow for like super fucking cheap and we got fucking wasted and trashed her step-dad’s house. In the scheme of things these are pretty small, sure, but they’re important to us. Apparently what’s important to us just hasn’t mattered to you lately, whatsoever. Julia says you’ve just been stressed; I say it’s your face, the one that fucking sucks.
Listen, I don’t mean to blow up at you like this, not at this party with all of these people around. But this just all needed to be said, because we love you and we need you to face facts; you’ve been a total loser to us all lately. You know I tell it like it is and sometimes the truth hurts. And the truth is, right now, buddy, is that what sucks is your face.
But look, I think if we just relax and talk about it a little more, we can get past it. Tell you what, let’s have some cake and continue the party for Rocco. It will totally take your mind off the rape and murder of your sister and your Stage IV cancer.