Duel!

Sir, you forget yourself! No man has been so foolish to challenge me to a duel in nearly a score, and that last fellow bled heartily, pun fully intended. You believe that you must defend your lady’s honor? Fie! She should be honored that I even lowered myself to notice her and pay comment! Like you, she is barely a dandelion seed! And like a dandelion seed, you flutter through the world, hardly conspicuous and certainly of no consequence to a man such as me. But the seed becomes a flower, you say? Imbecile! Dandelions are nothing more than weeds on my well-manicured lawn!

Were I not so amused by your brash and ignorant youth, I would have scoffed at your challenge and a dandelion seed you would remain, forgotten immediately! But, tis true, I did overtly speak in rude tones of your lady friend there. I am not surprised of your reaction. A young man does many a foolish thing for the chance to touch the milky soft chesticles of a stunning jezebel such as her. I nearly see a bit of myself in you, displaying your virility with your audacious attempt to do battle with me. The difference, young rogue, is that I knew my opponents and I knew not to pick a fight I surely could not win.

That said, let us discuss the duel. I am nearly champing at the bit to scrap with you. It shall be for me to choose the weapons. Pistols at dawn? A pistol is a man’s weapon, not a toy for a petulant children such as you. Crossbows at dusk? Perhaps, but I fear your waify arms could not handle the weight. Muskets at high tea? I suppose we can be less civilized; we may as well throw rocks at each other or combat with sledge hammers. No, we shall at duel noon, with the greatest invention of the modern era: spicy Italian hoagies.

You seem confused! You issued the challenge to duel, that means I choose our implements. Spicy Italain hoagies are they. In more ways than one, they deliver a death most delicious. Dost you refuse? Sir, I promise you, these will be the tastiest hoagies you will have ever had. Of course, the flavor explosion will come moments before you arrive at the River Styx, so bring some change for Charon. I have provided for him many passengers! You know, it is what makes death all the more cruel, knowing you will never again have a sandwich stacked of Genoa ham, salami, capicola, mortadella, and provolone on a soft Italian roll with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickled peppers and just enough oil and vinegar to noticeably stain your pantaloons.

You hesitate. Clearly you just issue challenges to men and boys alike, never considering the consequences until you suffer them. You are impetuous, unthinking. Now, faced with your mortality, you find regret in your life’s choices; you wish to take them back. Were I not faced with dishonoring my father’s name, perhaps I could overlook this. But a child like you needs to face his fate and answer to his mistakes. That answer comes to you as a foot-long of epic taste.

You ask this streetwalker to appeal for your life? That is nearly precious, if it not so desperate and pathetic. What say you, young harlot? Spare his life? Allow the father of your child to live?

Perhaps in death, this knave can teach his boy a lesson about minding himself and knowing his place in the world. Haha, the fable of his father can sit on the shelf next to Aesop’s! Every evening he can read about his father’s demise, brought on by his youthful boldness, by an appetizing sub!

Mmm, I do not discount your point. No one, even I, can be born with the wisdom I am trying to impart. It is possible I also learned the same lesson I seek to teach this scalawag, but clearly the circumstances were not so deadly.

It is done. I will spare you both humiliation and death, young man. This loose wench delivers onto you a second life. I pray that you do not squander it as easily as the first. Surely my father, of the house of Quizno, would see honor in granting you a chance at becoming a better man, instead of cutting you down like the wimpering scamp you are. Now, perhaps we can put this behind us and enjoy a frothy brew and share stories of conquests and lost loves, of adventures across foreign lands, and the savory sandwiches we have encountered. Haha, oh dear boy, the delectable spicy Italian hoagies I have seen!

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