Say No to Anthropomorphic Animals

America is in a time of crisis. The economy is on a downturn, our men and women in uniform are dying overseas, and the NFL doesn’t start its new season for about 6 weeks. As citizens of this great country (sorry, illegals), we need to band together and keep our ideals strong, our hope alive, and our Olympic team drugged up to the high heavens. But more importantly, what we don’t need is bigger than all of that. Ladies and gentlemen of this great country, we need to stop all uses of anthropomorphic animals in our print, television, film, and interactive media.

Of the Devil

Of the Devil

These creatures are abominations, affronts to the Creator, who blessed us with intelligence, free will, and vocal cords. All creatures are beneath us humans because — let’s face it — we are at the top of the food chain. All animals have their own place in the chain, but none of them could convince us otherwise, because our brains are humongous and our opposable thumbs give us every advantage. If any of them had a case against not being eaten by us, their squeaks and clicks and quacks and barks fall on deaf and uncaring ears. We are superior, we rule this earth. So fall in line, marmots!

But for all humans’ superiority, intelligence and dominance, we do make mistakes. Some can be fixed and forgiven, others are unfortunate and permanent blights on our admittedly spotty track record of history. Human trafficking, the Holocaust, Urkel’s ability to command a 20 share in the early 90s. Through some dysfunction, there are sins we continually allow our brethren to commit. One of the worst ongoing atrocities we do is give animals human characteristics in our media. There is absolutely no goddamn need to come up with anthropomorphic animals to say or do anything worthwhile! Some are more extreme than others. Remember that Spanish-speaking chihuahua? Pretty minor on the scale of the things. But as their popularity increases, so does the scale of their personalities. The Geico gecko is Oxford-educated and could run circles around me in a philosophical debate about the human condition. That damn Aflac duck can only speak one word (less than the chihuahua!), but it drives race cars and pilots hot air balloons. What’s more, it once wrote a 556-page treatise on the founding of Jamestown. Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot let this continue.

Another Great Sin

Another Great Sin

There is nothing creepier than an animal speaking with a professionally trained actor’s, or Gilbert Gottfried’s, voice. These are the stuff of nightmares! This perversion of nature must end immediately. We have cartoons and illustrations to satisfy this dark desire to see animals walk and talk, don’t we? I mean, if I wanted to (and I’m not saying I ever did want to) see an animal hanging out with people and suggesting a particular cereal for breakfast, I can just find Tony the Tiger on YouTube. Beautiful, glorious YouTube. We have 2D and computer-animated films to take care of the rest. This is why we have Eddie Murphy!

No

No

I just don’t understand why that some people find it acceptable for animals to sing like the Beatles or Janis Joplin. If you are trying sell me a car, give me some hyper-reality and clever copy, not this shit. And while I understand animals mate and even form relationships, there is no way I want to think about my cat trying to seduce his feline girlfriend with a lit fireplace and soft music and talking about the place where they go the bathroom. And this just barely crosses over to the Devil’s work, as the gorilla is the best creature on earth next to us.

I think we need to look into our hearts and truly reexamine our values and priorities. Many animals, in general, are cute and lovable, but we are their masters. We cannot allow our brothers and sisters in the marketing department to keep this problem going. Boycott all products with anthropomorphic animal representation. Humans, not squirrels, need to advertise to us. Demand that a beautiful wife and a shlubby husband, and not dancing giraffes or singing pigeons, tell us about rock salt, frozen pizza and comfortable pants. We can get help for our human associates who believe this is acceptable behavior, but first we must turn away from the abhorrence they create.

Good luck, and may God help us all.

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19 thoughts on “Say No to Anthropomorphic Animals

  1. What i don’t get is why people think that humans are superior lifeforms to any other species. There are probably species from other planets ten times smarter than us, besides, other than humans being greedy, barbaric, self-centered people who have unlimited wants to satisfy and never think that us tearing down thousands of other species’ homes to build our own is enough for them, what makes humans so much more goddamn special? And even if you are against this kind of thing, anthropomorphic animals have done wonders for entertainment. Where would we be without things like mickey mouse to entertain all the toddlers out there? I have a 6 year old neighbour that watches films with talking animals in all the time and doesn’t think anything of it.

    And don’t reply with a load of shit on this post, because i don’t read them and frankly, i don’t give a shit. i have a right to input my 2 cents and if you don’t like it, tough.

  2. What the Hell is wrong with you? “Oh my, the desire to see animals talk and walk is so dark and evil! It is defying this ‘god’ thing’s almighty will! I don’t like seeing people make animals smarter than me because it makes me feel insecure! And, I think we’re the masters in the pet situation even though we’re feeding and cleaning up after the animals! Also, I’ll randomly throw in the fact I adore sports and like to drool over famous people! In fact, I probably just made this because of what some bad show said about furries! ” Reading this has given me the idea to start a theory that slugs have higher intelligence than 60% of the human population. =3

  3. We will always be superior to the animals on earth. Always. I like anthropomorphic animals. It isn’t funny. It’s actually offensive. 😦

    • I have to agree with you. The concept of anthropomorphic animals is not funny at all. The very idea is offensive and it distracts us from the important issues of the day, like world hunger, the Space Race, and NCAA tournaments.

        • Some might say that’s a slippery slope. But, no, the sporting event mascots are clearly people inside costumes. They represent in our inner shark, inner wildcats, our inner beavers. They are not anthropomorphized, because no real animal would ever be walking around on two legs and participating in slam-dunk contests.

  4. anthropomorphic cartoon animals I’m okay with because their just cartoons…but real live talking animals in commercials is pretty creepy despite it being somewhat funny. * remembers that orkin commercial with the giant ant* THAT was creepy.

  5. I think anthropomorphism in reality is far scariery then on TV. people taking animals to pet psycologists…paying to treat cancer in dogs…that is scary ass anthropomorphism

  6. Yeah, I know there haven’t been any comments in like, forever, but I feel this has to be said. The human race, as a whole, is one of low intelligence. High IQ? Maybe. High intelligence? No way! Humans have a high IQ but they don’t use it to its fullest potential! At the top of the food chain? Ha! We have an unfair advantage by being able to hit things from a distance! Anyone who says that anthropomorphic animals are evil creations is AFRAID!!! If a wolf showed up at your doorstep on two legs carrying a gun, you’d probably run for the hills and get shot before you got there! Humans are INFERIOR! We don’t have a uniform language for one thing, and for another, there’s the answer to that all important question. Can’t we all just get along? The answer in our case is NO! We cannot get along because we’re too busy being selfish, immature brats while other animals are no doubt laughing at us to be able to get along. The movie The Matrix is right, by the way. The human race is a virus. We’re poisoning our planet without care, and when we’re done here we’ll just move on. We are exhausting all of Earth’s resources and single-handedly killing every other species of anything on the planet, all for our own selfish gain. Humans need to grow up or go to hell!

    • Thanks for stopping by my humor blog!

      Your self-loathing for the human race aside, you make some valid points about the human race exploiting Earth’s resources. That said, if any person, let alone some wolf, showed up at my door with a gun and I was unarmed, I may not stand a chance and would probably try to run for it. But yes, I’d be afraid if the completely impossible concept of animals having a range of emotions, the ability to speak, and walking around like people actually came to pass.

      You’ve got a problem with humans, but you think if animals had human characteristics they would be better than us? Anthropomorphizing them means to give them human characteristics, but if we’re so bad then it would be a pretty bad thing. And people may not get along all the time, but there are plenty of natural predator/prey relationships in nature.

      But instead of railing against human beings from your computer, maybe you can turn your negative energy into something positive. Teach others about the value of the environment and what people can do to help. Find the good in other people and share your enlightened viewpoint. Understand that all people are flawed, and we all need understanding and patience with each other. Don’t write us all off, be a part of the solution.

  7. Pardon me munch but … You don’t like Anthropomorphic animals?( Cartoons, Movies, etc.)
    Haven’t you seen movies like; The Lion King, The Rescuers,American tail(etc. too many to list:/ not saying that I’m a huge fan of them ) They were wonderful. But Saying things like anthropomorphic animals (featuring my favorite characters like mickey, bugs bunny,Sonic) Are sins, kind of bothers me 😦 What’s the reason for disliking them like that?

    Please note * I’m being really mature about this on a man to man level, and I humbly respect your feelings and opinions on this matter.
    * and yes, REAL taking animals are creepy.

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