I Hate Your Jacket and Everything You Stand For

Look, dude, stop beating around the bush already. You’re sitting here with me, probing for some answers. You probably heard that I was talking some smack about you to the gang or some such, but whatever you heard I guarantee it’s not accurate. You’re in your over-sensitive guy mode, as usual. You always think someone is out to get you or that everybody hates you. You probably think I hate you, but that’s just not the case. Listen, Skylar, I do not hate you, I just hate your jacket and everything you stand for.

Seriously, look at that jacket. What exactly were you thinking? It’s entirely wrong for you. Look at the length and sleeves. It’s completely inappropriate for your height. You’re not tall enough to pull that off. No, you’re not short, but you’re not tall ENOUGH. You paid $115 for THAT?

And you say things like you need to do good things for other people because you “need to keep your karma in good standing?” What exactly is that? It’s all well and good to try ‘pay it forward’ as they say, but you always get upset when other people don’t return the favor. You know, I can respect the need to do and say nice things for others, but you can’t be upset that people don’t always reciprocate. You’re going out of your way to make others feel good or help them out or whatever, but that doesn’t mean you suddenly top their lists of priorities to pay it back. Stop putting the expectations you hold for yourself on other people. Jesus.

And what is that fabric? That looks god-awful. Is that from the 60s or something? You absolutely cannot pull off the retro-chic hip style, not in that jacket. The color doesn’t make it any better. What sort of deep burnt orange is that? Holy Jesus Christ.

I have to admit that it really gets to me when you say you’re okay with the government illegally wire-tapping its citizens. Why should you be okay with this? We have rights granted to us by the Constitution. I know you “have nothing to hide,” but you we all have civil liberties. We can’t just give those up just to catch terrorists.

Plus, with your body type, that jacket is completely unflattering. You’re not fat, but you’re not exactly a marathon runner either. The shape and the cut absolutely doesn’t work on your frame. And your shoulders aren’t broad enough, it looks like you’re wearing a big jacket made with shoulder pads, but it had the shoulder pads removed. It looks terrible!

By the way, what do you mean that you have a problem with people under thirty who have children? Firstly, age is not a qualifier of what makes a good parent. Secondly, this country is founded on choices and freedom, so people should be able to start a family whenever they choose. Sure, it doesn’t work for everyone.  Like you with that jacket, for example. But so what if young people want to make the commitment to each other and have children together? They don’t have to be young and single to experience a happy life; having a family can bring untold joy and happiness to countless people. You’re not special that you are the one person living the ultimate single lifestyle. Goddamn, get over yourself! Let people live their lives!

And your skin is just too pale. No one who came off the Mayflower could pull that off, either. You look like a homeless person who’s also colorblind. You need to have a clean-shaven face if you’re going to try that, too. If not clean-shaven, then you need stubble that grows in evenly. You’re a mess up there!

And how exactly can you be okay with torturing prisoners of war or enemy combatants or suspects? These are human beings, and most of them don’t have the information their torturers are looking for. They’re just being used to get answers that don’t exist. They are pawns, becoming for examples of the supposed terrorists that we don’t have in custody. Torture is not the answer!

I’ll be honest with you here, it doesn’t help that your hair is thinning out. I didn’t want to say this, but it really does look like you have cancer. You’re wearing a terrible jacket and you have cancer. That is what people will think to themselves if they see you on the street wearing that. You know that I’m your friend and I can say this to you. If I can’t be honest with you, then what am I supposed to do? I’m not going to be like everyone else and tell you that jacket works for you, because it absolutely doesn’t. You deserve the honestly you’ve come to expect from a friend like me.

Listen, you’re generally an alright guy; I don’t hate you. But I can only offer two bits of advice: get rid of the jacket and kill yourself.