In my travels as a swinging bachelor in this post-9/11 America, I’ve seen and done plenty of crazy things. And I’ve been on enough first dates to get a general understanding of what does and doesn’t work for either party involved. Here are some quick tips for those of you who have not picked up on the nuances of a successful first date.
1. Avoid being too passive-aggressive in your compliments. “I bet you would look really good if you put some effort in,” won’t really fly too well with anyone.
2. Don’t ever ask, “So, how do you feel about Roe v. Wade?” without any natural segue.
3. Say, “Do you have your tickets?” and they will say, “What tickets?” or “Tickets to what?” Then you flex your biceps and say, “To the gun show!” Works every time.
4. Don’t mention that you ever went to a psychic or a palm reader, even if it was “just for fun.” That’s not attractive at all.
5. No one ever wants to hear that they look like your mother or father.
6. If Don Rickles gives you or your date a good ribbing, don’t get upset. It ruins the mood, and besides, it’s just Rickles being Rickles.
7. Only talk about your fraternity or sorority days if your date was also in the Greek system and still cares about that.
8. Limit yourself to two cocktails before dinner. There is no reason to be slurry over your duck a l’orange.
9. Don’t talk about your highly successful humor blog too much. It can be very intimidating to your date.
10. If you haven’t earned a major athletic award in more than five years, don’t mention any of the awards you have won. It’s no longer impressive that you were the best at anything in 1988.
Now, feel free to offer any of your own suggestions and if it’s any good I will make sure to put it in my new book, “10 and More Tips for a First Date.” Full credit, a copy of the book and a t-shirt with my face on it (size XXXXL only) will be sent to each contributor.
Free Soup With Purchase 
Is it OK to start talking about one’s outstanding achievement in Irish dance choreography?
And how their boobs jiggle during a jig?
And then segue into mammograms and then Roe V. Wade?
Or would that be retarded?
Is is OK to use the word ‘retarded’????
‘Retarded’ should be saved for the second date. The Irish dancing is totally appropriate if it’s within that 5 year timeframe, absolutely! The boobs thing, well, that’s a judgment call.
Anyone have any other suggestions??
Subtle comments about boob jiggling or the mentally disadvantaged is, I think, acceptable. Talking about retarded boobs is not. Save that for date no 2.
10 and More is very funny.
As is the idea that it’s likely Don Rickles will be a part of a normal date.
I can’t think of a better first date than taking a pretty lady to see Rickles. I need more suggestions, people!
Dude. Hillarious. I’m a newly won-over addict to this blog! By the way, I may be the only person excited about the free t-shirt – it will be the first FREE t-shirt I can wear since I was 11. Still not sure about #7 above, but I’ll take your word for it.
How about these…
11. You probably don’t want to start the evening with, “Have you ever had a colonoscopy? I brought pictures of mine. Let’s compare and contrast?” She’ll just be jealous of the quality of your photographs.
12. Never, under any circumstances, ever admit how you dabbled with acting when you were on “Catch a Predator”.
13. When the lady asks you to suggest a drink, the correct response is not “Rum and Diet Coke. I think we can do without the extra calories, don’t you?”
14. At the end of the night, when you suggest she comes up for a night cap, the right mood music does not include Andrew W. K.’s “Party Till You Puke”.
15. When she suggests you go someplace where she can get to “know the real you,” that does not typically include any of the following:
– Your family cemetery plot
– Your church
– Your great aunt’s (on your mother’s very dramatic Italian side) wake
– The Sci-Fi/Fantasy section of Barnes & Noble
– Woody’s Bar & Restaurant (Philadelphia, PA)
– Your apartment in front of your computer where you recite aloud your most recent 46 entries to your blog entitled, “Free Soup With Purchase”
Finally, someone who understands that contributions are not only encouraged, but desperately needed! I might have to remember 15, though…. good ideas there! I can see at least one of these making it into the book! I better call the print shop for one of them T-shirts.
Don’t try to appear sensitive. Women say they want that in a man, but when it comes right down to it they’re full of crap.
Good point, Skip. If you are a sensitive type of fellow, I highly suggest doing the exact opposite of your instincts. You will have dating success for the rest of your life! More for the book!
love number 3 munch.
don’t look her up and down then ask “do you have a younger sister?”
don’t move your finger towards her nose and say – “smell that”
as the food arrives, don’t close your eyes, put your hands together and say “oh mighty ramses, bless this food and delicious wine”
don’t “shhh” her.