50 Things To Do Before I Go Splat

It may sound so trite, but the recent assassination attempts on my life have really given me time to realize that life is a precious gift. I now understand that we have limited time on this earth and that we should strive to do new and exciting and unique things every chance we get. Upon reflection, I see that I haven’t done much of anything noteworthy with my life. This is not counting my highly successful humor blog or my 1141 lbs. prize winning pumpkin at the county fair last year (Take that, ol’ man Weatherspoon!) which came in 2nd place (I’ll get you next year, Farmer Todd!).

After considering that, I spent a good deal of time on the Internet and I became inspired some of the brilliant goals people set for themselves in their lives. I decided that I should also make a list of the things I need to accomplish before I die. I don’t want to be an old man and have a bucket list that I race to complete before the end. I want a huge motherfucker that should take years to finish. With any luck, I should be able to get most of it done before I turn 40, the age where I will be long overdue to be dead and buried. Many of these are more like chores, but others satisfy my impotent sense of adventure and personal curiosities. I would not doubt that some of you would have a few of these crossed off your list, but these are things I feel I need to do. I will cross them off as they are completed.

Here are the first 50 items in my soon to be extensive list (in no particular order):

  • Tour through Europe
  • Acquire a passport
  • Grow a handlebar mustache
  • Attend the Source Awards
  • Master the rock the cradle move with that damn Yo-Yo
  • Read War and Peace
  • Throw myself from a plane, float gently to the ground
  • Slay a wolverine (rabid or sleeping)
  • Adopt a highway
  • Run for City Dogcatcher
  • Spit on Derek Jeter
  • Make a hole-in-one
  • Sit through an entire poetry slam without leaving early
  • Get a tattoo
  • Attend a Beck concert
  • Build, treat, later burn down a deck
  • Visit a nude beach
  • Support the troops
  • Eat 50,000 49,983 chocolate chip cookies (cumulative)
  • Watch, review the entire Jim Carrey oeuvre
  • Maintain ant farm for 2 weeks
  • Meet Jared Fogle
  • Have my portrait painted
  • Sink a hole-in-one (mini golf)
  • Witness sunset from the highest natural point in Kansas
  • Buy 10 shares in Google
  • Shame first born in front of his/her mates
  • Get back hair lasered off
  • Mail a chain letter
  • Count the number of licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop
  • Meet Internet girlfriend face-to-face
  • Build 1:3 scale model of St. Louis Gateway Arch out of Lego
  • Interview Maya Angelou
  • See “Cats”
  • Bowl a 295 or better
  • Listen to own heartbeat with stethoscope
  • Have a Napa weekend
  • View all Academy Award Best Picture winners
  • Learn how to make my own pasta
  • Perfect butterfly stroke
  • Attend a World Cup match
  • Determine once and for all if I am allergic to clam chowder or just clams, if either
  • Befriend a Jew, black guy, and a fireman, walk into a bar together
  • Visit all Major League Baseball stadiums in one season
  • Judge a beauty or talent contest
  • Go 365 364 363 362 consecutive days without accidentally biting my tongue
  • Participate in guerilla marketing for a cell phone company or oatmeal product
  • Study and master the Waltz, Lambada, Charleston
  • Visit the pyramids in Egypt
  • Have a fight set to techno music

And there we are! The first 50 of many great things I will accomplish before I die! Keep checking in on the list over the years to see how I’m doing with it. I am adding to the list as time goes on, but I’m not posting them right away. If any of you have some amazing and unique experiences you think I should do to further expand the fullness of life, your suggestions would be very welcome!

19 thoughts on “50 Things To Do Before I Go Splat

  1. Great list! I’m proud to say looking it over that I’ve done six of these things myself (I’m yet to get rid of this back hair, sadly). My own bucket list is mostly comprised of endangered species to eat and society dames to backhand, so I can’t really help you expand here, I don’t think. Oh, but you should definitely add “Bring Back Vaudeville,” because we’re so close already. Ba-dum-ba-baaaa!

  2. I have a question re: befriending etnicities for joke purposes. In said scenario, what are YOU? E.g.;”A black guy, a jew, a fireman and a former Scrantonite walk into a bar…” Or “a friendly neighborhood Munchak”? Or “Sir Hotbod Handsomeface”? Wow, I guess the possibilities are endless….

    Btw, hope we can tear up trivia again – that was awesome!


  3. Hey, Hon..
    Just thought I’d stop by and see what was goin’ on up in here. I like it. The tootsie roll pop, git back to me on that, would you? I’ve tried and tried…broken a few teeth in the process.

  4. “Witness sunset from the highest natural point in Kansas”

    I could probably help you with this one, but — Kansas?!!

    How about somewhere like…oh hell, anywhere else but Kansas!

    Great list, Munch. I’m a real procrastinator though — I think mine will have to be a bucket list!

  5. Eve, I never quite get to the end, but I’ll keep you updated. I’ve gotten as far as 45.

    Kirsten, the back hair is a high priority, trust me!

    blanc, thanks, I just may have to add cow tipping to the overall list.

    Angie, is there a better place you have in mind? I heard Kansas is beautiful!

    And Tiggy, who says I even need a parachute? Maybe I have skills you don’t know about…..

  6. Ridiculous as though not a worthwhile endeavor? Ridiculous as in super-cool surreal? I would think the latter, as I’ve never heard my heartbeat through a stethoscope. Top 50 thing to do!

  7. OK, I am seriously crying. *Everyone* should have a list like this. Yeah, no, really — this is devastatingly hysterical. And handlebar mustaches are hot-t-t-t-t! bwahaha.

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