This is it, folks! After six grueling months, we’ve whittled down 30 contestants to the final three! We’ve witnessed tests of stamina, shocking betrayals, delicious Mexican meals, and even some forbidden love between spouses on the other side of the arena wall. Tonight, the final three will square off in the battle stadium for the right to enter the Metamorpho Chamber and become America’s Top Giant Hamster of 2013! Let’s get reacquainted with our finalists, proudly presented by Taco Bell!
First up is Derek Montoya of Kansas City, Kansas! Derek was seen as an early favorite to win the competition this season, exhibiting extraordinary speed and agility and winning 8 of the first 13 endurance challenges. He outpaced other competitors in the Hamster Wheel by no less than ten seconds each time, he completed the Taco Tube Maze a record three times without ever phoning a friend, and no one else could name more U.S. Presidents from memory than he could. Derek’s successes on the field awarded him seven pellet bonuses, two whisker trophies, and a record fifteen pounds of cotton which he used to make suitable bedding. Plus his victories earned his team three delicious FourthMeals in the early weeks of the show. His military training surely contributed to his physical dominance, but I wouldn’t discount his daily 4-hour exercise routine as an excuse to avoid that crazy wife. Let’s recall that Derek’s wife, Jean, was the first audience member in the show’s history to threaten other contestants with a crossbow live on-camera.
Our second contender is Denise Gauershot. She is from Lebanon, Pennsylvania and was considered an underdog throughout most of the year. She was placed in the Coffee Can of Expulsion nearly seventy percent of the time in the first half of the season, but she always managed to avoid a complete Burial. She became a fan favorite after she got into a heated argument with Buck Langdon after losing the Water Bottle Management team challenge in week 6, finally telling him off for the way he stole his teammates’ tasty Chips and Guacamole. Buck Langdon was a fierce competitor and it seems like after he was sent to the Coffee Can and then Buried, Denise filled the void he left behind. She ended up earning her team four chewing stick rewards, two pellet bonuses and three hours in the Hamster Ball.
Finally, we have Chet Polecki from Buffalo, NY. Chet played in the NHL for the Sabres for a total of 13 minutes before a career-ending injury involving a sharp skate blade and his remaining testicle. While he never played professional hockey again, he adapted to the world of sports as an eunuch with a renewed sense of competition and a laundry list of testosterone supplements. He underwent a number of extensive surgeries and months of rehabilitation only to later explode as a world-ranked Iron Man and Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating competitor. His charity, Ball Strong, has raised nearly $41,000 in the last 12 years to benefit other professional and semiprofessional hockey players who have lost their single remaining testicle to horrific accidents and sometimes cancer.
Since Chet’s appearance on the show, Ball Strong raised nearly $2,400 in donations, and only a third of that money came from donations of plasma from family members and homeless guys who accepted a 30/70 offer up front. Chet has become an inspiration to viewers everywhere, only appearing in the Coffee Can elimination once, winning a record seven Wood Chip Tasks and being a true leader to his teammates in the Weekly Taco Bell Crunchy Gordita Value Meal Challengizer Event.
Tonight, Derek, Denise and Chet will take one more trip through the five-story Taco Tube House Maze, have another go ’round in the Hamster Wheel Steel Cage Arena, and face off in the Beefy Burrito Endurance Match. Now that we are in the finals, the intensity of this competition has reached Critically Hot salsa levels, which can only be satisfied by awarding just one of our contestants a year’s supply of icy and refreshing Pepsi Max. In the end, just one player will make history and be crowned champion. Only one will Live Más as an enormous crepuscular rodent with a brand new beach house in Santa Barbara! Only one will become… America’s Top Giant Hamster 2013!!
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