What Does This Have to do with My Chocolate Chip Muffin?

Whoa whoa whoa, okay slow down.

I absolutely understand what you’re saying here Jeff. But tell me, what does this have to do with my chocolate chip muffin?

Jeff, you know I get to work 20 minutes early just so I can enjoy my muffin and start my day off right. I don’t even clock in, this is all on my time. Mine. I get my chocolate chip muffin every morning at Marge’s shop around the corner after I come in and set down my things. I come back, pour myself a coffee, and enjoy the New York Times Crossword until I have to start my day. Very simple stuff here.

This muffin is moist and delicious. The chocolate chips are homemade, Jeff. Goddamn homemade with her special blend of cocoa butter. This muffin is everything I’ve ever wanted. This ain’t some half-assed muffin, Jeff, this is baked fresh every morning. Whole milk, natural ingredients. I pay $3.75 for this shit.

You know the rules, Jeff. The only time I should be bothered with anything before I clock in should be to tell me a) the coffee machine is broken, b) Marge’s shop burned down, c) my wife and children are dead. Anything else can wait because if I don’t get to have my morning done right, I am a complete mess for the rest of the day. Remember June ’04, Jeff? Do you? Yeah, there were some problems that day. I’m going to let this one slide because I’m in a good mood and my muffin looks extra satisfying.

Virtually nothing is that important that you can’t handle it without me. That’s why you’re my number one guy around this place. I still have 14 minutes left before my shift. So here, let me give you the keys to the weapons locker. Get the tranq guns and hunt down those escaped mountain lions before they kill again.

And close the door behind you.

Badgers Have Taken Over the Frosting Factory!

BREAKING NEWS – The Duncan Hines frosting factory has been completely overrun by over two dozen badgers, according to reports. All 47 employees have been driven from the building, and police have set up a 50-yard perimeter, not allowing any employees, visitors, or press into the site. Police are attempting to establish contact with the badgers to begin negotiations. The badgers’ end game is not known at this time. Officials for Duncan Hines have no comment, but many eye-witnesses believe the badgers simply want unfettered access to the sweet and delicious Duncan Hines frosting.

Employees reported seeing the wild badgers enter the factory floor through a back entrance at approximately 2:45pm. “I knew them right away,” said Lillian Vernon, 48, a floor manager with the company. “Everyone in this area has almost hit one of them with their car at some point. Anyway, the squirrelly buggers just came right in and started casing the joint.” Witnesses say the badgers then split off into “teams of two and three” and scrambled to key areas of the production line.

“There was clearly a leader, an Alpha badger, directing the whole thing,” said Mike Smithson, a 15-year veteran of Duncan Hines. “He climbed on the central switching station in the middle of the floor. They did their little varmint squeaking to each other and the others knew exactly what to do to halt the machinery.”

For their own safety, employees quickly abandoned their posts and control consoles once the badgers got close to their stations. Witnesses agree the badgers did not display any aggression and they seemed to ignore the human beings altogether. “It’s like we weren’t even there,” Smithson said. “And they were standing on each other’s shoulders to reach the controls and they were working real smoothly.” The production line was completely halted within three minutes, which actually shattered the 4 minute, 23 second record held by the staff. “In our drills we never could get the sequence close to four minutes. Sure, there is an emergency stop in case someone gets hurt, but it takes about 12 hours to bring the line back up after that. These little guys executed the sequence to shut it down properly faster than any of us could have ever done.”

Once the line was halted, the badgers “really kicked it into high gear,” Smithson said, noting that they were quickly running around the factory, all making shrill squeaking noises. “That’s when we knew to get out of there and dial 911.” Smithson put out the evacuation notice over the building’s PA system. As employees began to evacuate, the badger noises began to coalesce into a repeating melody.

“It sounded like some ancient woodland creature victory song,” guessed Sandra Hart, 36, a food chemist with the company. “And as they sang, they began to enter the large mixing vats and dispensing units.”

Smithson said he saw four badgers climb into a vat of tasty vanilla flavor and begin playing. “They were not only eating it, but they were using their feet to kick frosting at each other.” He described that he also saw one badger lying on its back underneath a sampler spigot, while another badger turned the spigot to allow scrumptious chocolate frosting to drip directly into other one’s open mouth. “It was like a surreal cartoon.”

Duncan Hines makes 18 varieties of frosting, but only 10 are produced here in this Ohio factory. “We’ve got the classic standbys, chocolate and vanilla, but we took pride in being the only site that produced the heavenly Strawberries N’ Cream flavor in the largest frosting mixer this side of the Mississippi. Now there are damned badgers ruining our big batch and our equipment,” Smithson lamented.

The badgers have had control of the Duncan Hines facility for more than two hours, and police are still no closer to establishing contact with them. They hesitate in directly engaging the badgers for multiple reasons, according to officials. The speed and ease they displayed in taking over the factory makes them unpredictable. The victory song still emanates from the building and can be heard by the gathering crowd, plus the factory building now has a slightly greenish haze enveloping it. One witness theorized that the badgers’ woodland song is actually an incantation for dark magical forces, and that something big will happen very soon.

“We’re not sure what they are up to, but I don’t know if our riot gear would stand up to whatever those little devils are cooking up,” says Chief Gary Rockford, police spokesman on the scene.

Stay tuned for further developments!