One Potential Inner Monologue Before Getting My Ass Beaten

Ho boy. This guy is huge.

Okay, crap. Okay. Okay, his shoulders and arms are pretty big, so if he hits me in the face it’s really going to hurt. Okay, if that happens DO NOT CRY. Man up and take it.

His midsection is exposed, but I think he’s ready for that. Damn it to hell.

Jesus, it looks like I’m getting what’s coming to me. Maybe not with this guy, because all I did was laugh at him when I bumped into his girlfriend and she spilled her cosmo (was it a cosmo?) on his nice shirt. Sure, a dick move, but it’s not like I meant to do it. And he looked ridiculous; it was hysterical!

Maybe his neck? I just see muscle and veins, I don’t think his throat’s even vulnerable. Christ, this guy is a damn body builder.

Well, I guess I deserve this any way you look at it. This could be for all the times I took money out of the children’s cancer donation jar at the drug store. Yeah, it netted me only $18.45 over the course of 6 months, but that was pretty damn awful just on principle. Or it could have been for that 3 month stretch when I pretended to be blind at the YMCA just so I could “accidentally” walk into the women’s locker room. All that background and careful set up just to pull it off once. Taking away my membership and fining me $1,000 was not enough for karma, it seems.

Okay, stand up straight, let this guy know you’re not some cowering simp. Back up a little, he’s moving closer to you. Is his eye twitching? Gouge the eye, maybe? But if I tried that and failed, it would only enrage him further and I’d be in an ambulance in minutes. I’d pretty much count on bleeding all over the place. Oh, I could use some levity! Hey man, you don’t want to knock me around too bad. That cosmo will come out, but try getting B negative out of silk!

Yikes, I don’t think he’d find that funny, or anything else for that matter. Look over at the girlfriend, maybe she will sympathize. Hey, look over here! Christ, make eye contact with me, lady! Your man is about to smash me and you’re looking through your cell phone contacts! What the hell, a guy bumps into you and spills your drink and five seconds later you’re already calling one of your skanky friends to complain about it? You lousy bitch, I hope he beats you next.

See, there I go again. Making assumptions about people and just getting all ragey about it. No wonder this guy is going to rearrange my face, I’m a terrible person! I definitely have this coming!

Don’t you cry now, he hasn’t even touched you. All right, what are my options? The exit’s behind him, so I can’t run. Should I use this other guy as a shield? No, he’ll just team up with Johnny Roids here and then I’m doubly screwed. There’s always the kick to the groin, but that’s such a pussy move. I couldn’t do that to another guy unless he has a knife or something. See also my other point about enraging him further.

Okay, in the next life, don’t be so quick to judge others. Don’t talk suggestively to the Hooters girls and think you’re so damn clever, because they’ve heard it all before. Don’t make fun of other people, even if they have little Jew-y haircuts. Don’t pour water all over your neighbors’ walkways in the middle of the night in the winter. Don’t make calls to 900 numbers on your mom’s neighbor’s phone; just because she’s laid up and can’t move doesn’t mean you can sneak in and run up her phone bill. Don’t call your 11 year-old brother a faggot in front of his classmates when he brings you to fill in for “Father’s Career Day.” For chrissakes, you’re 32 years old! Rethink ever pulling a strawberry shortcake on your girlfriend. And don’t take your friend’s car without asking and return it with vomit in the back seat. Boy oh boy, I’m the worst person I know!

He’s cocking his fist back, this is it! Okay, make some fists, get ready to dodge this thing. Maybe he’s not that fast! He’s a lumbering monster, I should probably stay low.

“Let’s do this, retard.”

WOW, WHY DID I SAY THAT?! It’s too late to apologize for everything now! Oh God, here it comes! Remember, don’t cry! Just know you absolutely deserve this! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!—*

Hi, can I cut your hair and just go all stream-of-consciousness on you?

Hello, I’m Javier. Come on over here, we’ll give you a shampoo and then we’ll do you right up.

Is that too hot? Great.

Okay, keep this towel and follow me, honey.

I’ll take that from you, thanks. Now, what were you thinking? Keep it longer up top so you can play with it, mhmm, sure. Got it. Okay, sit up straight.

So are you from around here?

Really? I moved here six months ago. I loved Atlanta but it was time to try something new. Where do you go on weekends? Do you go to the clubs? I love seeing bands play over at the Double Door but sometimes I head downtown and feel like living the rock star lifestyle for, like, a night, you know what I mean? Like, I could afford to do it all the time, right? But you have to rock out with your cock out, you know?

Oh my God, did you hear what they said on Q101 like an hour ago? Something about how they found a fossilized chicken embryo in a bucket of chicken at KFC, or something like that. Could you imagine? KFC is so gross anyway. I used to love it but in high school I ate it once when I had the flu and I just got so sick and I just haven’t been able to eat it ever since. Just, like, I wouldn’t eat it now anyway but even the smell just makes me want to just get sick all over the place.

I’m sorry; that’s really disgusting. Your hair is really cute; a lot of great natural volume. Now, you part it this way?

My dad had a part like that. He was in the Marines and had a nice even part on the left side there. He used to trim his hair by himself in the mirror, I couldn’t imagine how he pulled it off. I mean, I could totally use a shaver and trim my own hair now, but that looked like so hard. What do your parents do?

Oh, so you do that too? No? I wouldn’t join the Marines. I told my parents that I wanted to study philosophy and art. I think it damn near killed them the first time I told them! Like, “Sorry Mom and Pops, but I don’t think I want to assemble an assault rifle with live ammo flying around while I crawl in the mud and run 20 miles at sunrise. I want to talk about Sartre and Kirkegard and Renoir !” I know, I’m a total rebel!

So this lady came in here last week and she had this little pomeranian in her bag and she wanted me to do something with this like Liz Taylor meets Dolly Parton coif she had going on and first I told her, “Look, you can’t have your dog in here,” and she said, “Don’t worry, I’ll just hold her while you do my hair.” Could you imagine? I asked her like twice and she just didn’t listen. Luckily, Juanita was here and told her that it’s against health regulations to have a dog in the shop and she wasn’t going to get risk getting fined just to keep an uncooperative customer happy.

You go, Juanita! Ha ha! Mmm, go on, now! Ha ha! She knows she’s my girl!

How’s this looking? Okay, so just square it off in the back?

So that reminds me of this barbecue my roommates and I were having in the summer. Ashley and Melissa wanted to have this thing because their sorority sisters were coming to visit and they hadn’t seen each other in like two years and of course we have the big back yard behind the house near the alley and it’s perfect for a margaritas and a big grill bonanza. Of course, Ashley, with her big whatever-advertising-job did not do any pre-planning and Missy is just a mess with that. She can drink you under the table, but she’s just can’t be a good host. ANYWAY, I’m stuck to doing the shopping, making the taco dip, buying the ice, blah blah blah. Vicky and Mary were landing and taking a cab right to our place an hour before Ash and Miss were going to be home, so I had to clean the bathroom on top of setting up the chairs and tables in the back! Like, really? All of our friends were coming right from the Cubs game to our place and I’m the only one doing anything. Do you have roommates? Ugh, just don’t ever live with girls. They are dirtier than us boys. Trust me, okay?

So you use a little product, right? Let’s give you something that smells good, too.

Here, like that? Great, well, let’s go over and we’ll ring you up.

Here’s my card with my hours so if you want you can come in and ask for me. Oh, thank you, sweetie. Have fun this weekend!


Goddamn Hair Cuttery…!!!!!!!