Yeah, you got it tough

You little punk, sit down before I knock you down.

Christ, you think it’s tough being you. Truth is, you have too many choices. “Oh, but it’s so hard.” Yeah, it’s hard to make tough choices. You wanna know a tough choice? What about being in the trench and being the only one to see a grenade fall between your commander’s feet? Do you push him out of the way, fall on it and give that sonuvabitch another chance lead his boys to victory? Or do you take cover and pray that maybe you will make it back to hold your baby girl again? That’s a tough choice, kid. What makes it easier is knowing if he made it out of there, he would probably go home to drink like a fish and beat his wife for years until she shoots him dead. They don’t tell you about that part in the recruitment office, and it sure as hell doesn’t get you a ticker tape parade.

You jump around like a retarded kangaroo, shouting to everyone that life’s unfair. Yeah, sure it’s unfair. Unfair for you is an 11pm curfew. Unfair for me is being in the muck and watching Charlie gunning down my pals and skull fucking their corpses, laughing like hyenas. That’s unfair, but I ain’t crying about it.

Sure, life’s tough. Daddy only bought you a used Lexus for your 16th birthday. That’s real a tough thing. Trauma like that will make you strong, make you a man, right? Well, see these? My old man never bought me a car, he only used my arm as an ashtray to put out his cigarettes. Yeah, poor me, right? Fuck that, son.

You think you can sit there forever and be a itty bitty kitten and mew until your mommy comes and gives you a drink from her teet. Grow up, kid; the milk’s dried up. Your Mom’s a whore and she secretly resents you for your youth and your freedom, so get used to it and move on.

No, I get it, you’ve got anger. Nobody understands you, you’re all alone in this world. But here’s the fact kid: Nobody understands you, and nobody wants to. Yeah, that’s right, nobody wants to understand poor little you, boo hoo. When did you make an effort to understand your old man, anyway, huh? You’re mad that your parents lied to you over the years? They kept your sheltered and safe from the world for as long as they could and you think you have a right to be mad about it? You feel betrayed that there’s really no Santa Claus? Betrayal, yeah, I’ll tell you about betrayal.

You know what betrayal feels like? It’s like being in a Beijing nightclub, feeling the business end of an eight inch blade plunge through your ribs. Betrayal is your partner telling you that it was either him or you; the Deng family did not take kindly to our truancy and that this was the only way one of us could stay in their employ. Yeah, that’s betrayal, kid. And taking down a traitorous friend and sleeping with his wife doesn’t make it any easier to swallow or forget.

Do me a favor, kid. After you get that pretty college degree and start your own family, try not to spoil your demonspawn and make them into ungrateful little bastards like your parents did to you. I’d hate to have to put a foot up their asses too, understand?

Excuse me, I believe you parked your Lexus on my torso

Hi, sir? Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you; I know you must have somewhere important to be. You look extremely busy so I don’t want to take up much of your time. I’m sorry, sir, but I believe you parked your Lexus on my torso.

I really am so sorry, I think it was my fault. I got tripped up by a rude cyclist passing me and I only had a moment to realize what happened before I felt the smooth treads of your back tire roll up on my torso. I can normally deal with situations like this on my own, but I seem unable to move. And please don’t get me wrong, I’ve always admired Lexus. The name itself infers supreme luxury and superior engineering.

And your Lexus, the one you parked on my torso, is that…? Why, it’s the GS Hyrid 450h! Its standard theft-deterrent system, 10 airbags, and ABS brakes are only the start of a long list of features for one of today’s most luxurious vehicles on the road. And of course you’re going to want to convert the energy expended during braking into electrical energy; regenerative braking is a must-have among the savviest of green-thinking luxury motorists. And sure, some people may not appreciate the dual-zone climate control system, but I can tell that you care about your passenger’s comfort as much as you care about your own. You certainly look right at home behind the steering wheel, but I think when you backed up while you were talking on your Bluetooth-enabled Blackberry you may have missed me prostrated in the road.

But my problems are not important. You look like you’re running late, so I’ll be brief.  Do you think you could move your Lexus off of my torso? That would be a huge help for me and I would greatly appreciate it.

I can see how you would not even have noticed, with the great handling and Adaptive Variable Suspension this Lexus has. It makes these potholed city streets feel like you’re driving on silk. It certainly helps keep your latte from spilling on the wood-accent paneled console and the handcrafted leather seats. My 32″ chest would barely shift the chassis, not with the standard AVS, nosiree. I know that the backup camera, which is standard on the GS, would have shown you that I was on the ground behind you. But your superior driving skills demand a superior driving experience, and that backup camera only detracts from it, because it says you don’t have the confidence to park on your own.

Honestly, I really don’t want to take up any more of your time. I was just hoping I can ask for this quick favor to please move your Lexus from my torso.

While I am down here, though, let me say that the bold exterior and exclusive alloy wheel design both demonstrate that you are not a man who accepts the vanilla standards of some of other so-called  “luxury” vehicles. The power moonroof and integrated foglamps also show that you will not be confined by your vehicle or be limited by Mother Nature. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but this vehicle says more about you than your bank account or résumé or trophy wife ever could. I’m truly impressed, sir, truly impressed. You are an inspiration to a new generation of luxury car owners.

Take it from a guy who is up-close and personal with your Lexus. Which is on my torso.