Hi, can I cut your hair and just go all stream-of-consciousness on you?

Hello, I’m Javier. Come on over here, we’ll give you a shampoo and then we’ll do you right up.

Is that too hot? Great.

Okay, keep this towel and follow me, honey.

I’ll take that from you, thanks. Now, what were you thinking? Keep it longer up top so you can play with it, mhmm, sure. Got it. Okay, sit up straight.

So are you from around here?

Really? I moved here six months ago. I loved Atlanta but it was time to try something new. Where do you go on weekends? Do you go to the clubs? I love seeing bands play over at the Double Door but sometimes I head downtown and feel like living the rock star lifestyle for, like, a night, you know what I mean? Like, I could afford to do it all the time, right? But you have to rock out with your cock out, you know?

Oh my God, did you hear what they said on Q101 like an hour ago? Something about how they found a fossilized chicken embryo in a bucket of chicken at KFC, or something like that. Could you imagine? KFC is so gross anyway. I used to love it but in high school I ate it once when I had the flu and I just got so sick and I just haven’t been able to eat it ever since. Just, like, I wouldn’t eat it now anyway but even the smell just makes me want to just get sick all over the place.

I’m sorry; that’s really disgusting. Your hair is really cute; a lot of great natural volume. Now, you part it this way?

My dad had a part like that. He was in the Marines and had a nice even part on the left side there. He used to trim his hair by himself in the mirror, I couldn’t imagine how he pulled it off. I mean, I could totally use a shaver and trim my own hair now, but that looked like so hard. What do your parents do?

Oh, so you do that too? No? I wouldn’t join the Marines. I told my parents that I wanted to study philosophy and art. I think it damn near killed them the first time I told them! Like, “Sorry Mom and Pops, but I don’t think I want to assemble an assault rifle with live ammo flying around while I crawl in the mud and run 20 miles at sunrise. I want to talk about Sartre and Kirkegard and Renoir !” I know, I’m a total rebel!

So this lady came in here last week and she had this little pomeranian in her bag and she wanted me to do something with this like Liz Taylor meets Dolly Parton coif she had going on and first I told her, “Look, you can’t have your dog in here,” and she said, “Don’t worry, I’ll just hold her while you do my hair.” Could you imagine? I asked her like twice and she just didn’t listen. Luckily, Juanita was here and told her that it’s against health regulations to have a dog in the shop and she wasn’t going to get risk getting fined just to keep an uncooperative customer happy.

You go, Juanita! Ha ha! Mmm, go on, now! Ha ha! She knows she’s my girl!

How’s this looking? Okay, so just square it off in the back?

So that reminds me of this barbecue my roommates and I were having in the summer. Ashley and Melissa wanted to have this thing because their sorority sisters were coming to visit and they hadn’t seen each other in like two years and of course we have the big back yard behind the house near the alley and it’s perfect for a margaritas and a big grill bonanza. Of course, Ashley, with her big whatever-advertising-job did not do any pre-planning and Missy is just a mess with that. She can drink you under the table, but she’s just can’t be a good host. ANYWAY, I’m stuck to doing the shopping, making the taco dip, buying the ice, blah blah blah. Vicky and Mary were landing and taking a cab right to our place an hour before Ash and Miss were going to be home, so I had to clean the bathroom on top of setting up the chairs and tables in the back! Like, really? All of our friends were coming right from the Cubs game to our place and I’m the only one doing anything. Do you have roommates? Ugh, just don’t ever live with girls. They are dirtier than us boys. Trust me, okay?

So you use a little product, right? Let’s give you something that smells good, too.

Here, like that? Great, well, let’s go over and we’ll ring you up.

Here’s my card with my hours so if you want you can come in and ask for me. Oh, thank you, sweetie. Have fun this weekend!


Goddamn Hair Cuttery…!!!!!!!

I’d Die For Addai

Joseph AddaiBelow is an excerpt from my upcoming unauthorized biography of Joseph Addai, tentatively titled, Dying For Addai. Please enjoy the opening paragraphs from Chapter 3, ‘Origins of a Man-God.’

Ask him what he credits his success and superstardom to, and ol’ Joe will probably shrug his shoulders with his usual half-grin and say, “Mom and Pop.”  The scrappy ne’er-do-well from southern Kansas was raised by a hippie mother and a father who owned a successful Car Wash. After his first 100-yard game. Joe told reporters he was dedicating his milestone to his parents, noting that while they tried to raise him right, they probably did not dream that their son would become a global superstar running back in the NFL. His parents, Sunshine and Graham J. Addai, spent much of their early marriage uselessly protesting wars, promoting environmental responsibility, and handing out Free Wash punch cards at church picnics. (Buy 8 Washes, and the 9th is free) What they did not realize is that while they did not have aspirations for young Joseph to become the god that he is, they gave him the tools to get there by drilling into him three important tenants to live by almost every day. Joe has fond memories of his parents repeating these tenants to him as a though it was a new lesson about life, often after he said his prayers before bed and during especially trying times.

  1. Start every day with a balanced breakfast and end it with a good night’s rest.
  2. If you want something, you must be willing to find passion for it and sacrifice for it.
  3. Explode through the hole; keep the knees up and the feet moving constantly.

Sunshine Addai

Young Joseph was often confused about the third point, as he could not understand why his father would say that when Joe would bring home a C- on a history report or a scraped arm after exploring in the woods looking for turtles. Now that he tears through the defense of many AFC teams year after year, he admits to finally understanding what his parents were talking about. “Pops wasn’t crazy, but he wanted you to think he was.”

Look for this exhaustively researched biography to appear everywhere books are sold in Q3 2008.