Excuse me, I believe you parked your Lexus on my torso

Hi, sir? Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you; I know you must have somewhere important to be. You look extremely busy so I don’t want to take up much of your time. I’m sorry, sir, but I believe you parked your Lexus on my torso.

I really am so sorry, I think it was my fault. I got tripped up by a rude cyclist passing me and I only had a moment to realize what happened before I felt the smooth treads of your back tire roll up on my torso. I can normally deal with situations like this on my own, but I seem unable to move. And please don’t get me wrong, I’ve always admired Lexus. The name itself infers supreme luxury and superior engineering.

And your Lexus, the one you parked on my torso, is that…? Why, it’s the GS Hyrid 450h! Its standard theft-deterrent system, 10 airbags, and ABS brakes are only the start of a long list of features for one of today’s most luxurious vehicles on the road. And of course you’re going to want to convert the energy expended during braking into electrical energy; regenerative braking is a must-have among the savviest of green-thinking luxury motorists. And sure, some people may not appreciate the dual-zone climate control system, but I can tell that you care about your passenger’s comfort as much as you care about your own. You certainly look right at home behind the steering wheel, but I think when you backed up while you were talking on your Bluetooth-enabled Blackberry you may have missed me prostrated in the road.

But my problems are not important. You look like you’re running late, so I’ll be brief.  Do you think you could move your Lexus off of my torso? That would be a huge help for me and I would greatly appreciate it.

I can see how you would not even have noticed, with the great handling and Adaptive Variable Suspension this Lexus has. It makes these potholed city streets feel like you’re driving on silk. It certainly helps keep your latte from spilling on the wood-accent paneled console and the handcrafted leather seats. My 32″ chest would barely shift the chassis, not with the standard AVS, nosiree. I know that the backup camera, which is standard on the GS, would have shown you that I was on the ground behind you. But your superior driving skills demand a superior driving experience, and that backup camera only detracts from it, because it says you don’t have the confidence to park on your own.

Honestly, I really don’t want to take up any more of your time. I was just hoping I can ask for this quick favor to please move your Lexus from my torso.

While I am down here, though, let me say that the bold exterior and exclusive alloy wheel design both demonstrate that you are not a man who accepts the vanilla standards of some of other so-called  “luxury” vehicles. The power moonroof and integrated foglamps also show that you will not be confined by your vehicle or be limited by Mother Nature. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but this vehicle says more about you than your bank account or résumé or trophy wife ever could. I’m truly impressed, sir, truly impressed. You are an inspiration to a new generation of luxury car owners.

Take it from a guy who is up-close and personal with your Lexus. Which is on my torso.